Top 10 Christmas Gifts for your SO

So, it’s the first of December and I can fight it no more, it’s officially *sigh* Christmas. If you’re like me and haven’t started your Christmas shopping yet, hopefully this list will help you determine what you’re going to get your SO (or maybe even yourself-I firmly believe in treating yourself as much as possible).

I’ll present this list in price order from lowest to highest in case you’re poor like me. Most of these items are somewhat novelty, but who has time for a relationship with no sense of humour anyway? I’ve tried to keep this list as gender neutral as possible to appeal to everyone in a relationship. Happy hunting (all of these can be ordered as of today and have postage options that will allow them to arrive before Christmas). All prices correct as of time of writing.

 

 

MY SEXY SHORTS 

Get your SO some fantastic novelty underwear from warmpresents on Etsy. You can get these beauties for £35.80, guaranteed to keep that willy warm in these cold winter nights (or days) and a great little secret (or not) for you and your significant other at Christmas parties! Women’s underwear start from just £4.36 too! Bargain!

https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/warmpresents

 

 

LIP DICKS

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Ever dreamed of being able to rub a penis all over your lips in public and not be arrested and/or sectioned? Well now you can with lip dicks! The lipstick that looks like a very discoloured dick and made for a perfect pout-or even just a perfect present. Don’t have an SO? These lipsticks are also perfect for that single friend who needs that extra little hint…

Get three of these in random shades for £12 from http://www.bondara.co.uk/lipdicks

 

 

FOREPLAY DICE

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Brought to you by Ann Summers, these could serve as a small encouraging nudge to your partner who maybe doesn’t appreciate the subtle (or not to subtle) art of foreplay. Or maybe you just want to spice things up and would rather some plastic do that for you. Whatever your situation or orientation this could be a sexy (or just strange) gift for you and your SO (let’s be real, the best gifts are the ones you benefit from too, amiright?). I’ll admit you could end up with some pretty odd Simpsons-eqsue (anyone get that reference?) combinations, but if not sexy, at least it’ll be a laugh.

£5 from //www.annsummers.com/gifts-games/gifts-games-shop-by-category/gifts-games-novelty/foreplay-dice

 

BAD VIBES VIBRATOR

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Who wants a vibrator that talks to you and complains whist you use it? Probably no one. Yet, here it is in all its glory, brought to you by MenKind (who actually sell this as an adult product). No, there is no way this vibe will actually do anything for you even if it is body-safe and usable, because these are akin to the ones you’ll find at Poundland (yes, they do vibrators now). But if you want to insult your partner or have someone for secret Santa who you genuinely hate, this is the perfect gift…I guess…

Get it here for £7.99 https://www.menkind.co.uk/bad-vibes-vibrator

 

NICEBALLS TESTICLE STRESS BALLS

Niceballs

Complete with under desk suction cup, niceballs are here to fulfil all your testicle squeezing needs (that you probably didn’t know you had). Partner stressing you out? Save those babymakers for good use later and squeeze these instead! Put them under your desk at work, maybe even in a car (not the driver’s side of course) so your friends and family have something to dramatically grab onto when you go 1mph over the speed limit? The possibilities are endless…

Get them here at https://www.niceballs.es/ for €19.90-29.90 or £17.50-26.50 (approx.)

 

SHIT BITCH BEAR

If you really want to boost your partner’s self-esteem then this bear is the best way to do it (maybe). Probably my favourite product on this list, this bear will let your beloved know that you find them ‘fine’. With the bear being as blunt as you almost definitely are if you’re considering this gift, your SO will always remember who it came from. As if the message itself wasn’t enough, I’m pretty sure anyone would be thrilled to receive a teddy bear too… that’s 2 romantic gestures for the price of 1 (you’re welcome).

Get this bitchin’ bear from Firebox.com for £24.99 https://www.firebox.com/Sht-Bitch-Bear/p6397

 

LOVE EGGS

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If you’re loyal to this blog you’ll know that I’ve written about these before. Love eggs are a great present for couples with a kinkier edge, not only are toys a great gift for your SO (that once again you’ll most likely benefit from), but they’re also fantastic if you enjoy living life on the edge. With the remote in almost every egg on the market working from a minimum distance of 20m, you could even attend those New Year and Christmas parties with this in, and allow your partner to have control over you for the evening!

You can get these on most toy websites and at any sex shop, but you can also get them online here from £24.99+ https://www.harmonystore.co.uk/sex-toys/love-eggs-jiggle-balls

 

CLONE-A-WILLY KIT


If you’ve never woken up at night and thought ‘I wish my partner’s penis could glow in the dark’ well you’re probably a functioning human being who thinks rational, un-concerning thoughts. But for those of you who just need something like that in your lives, clone-a-willy have you covered. Simply make a mould of your partners penis (or vagina), wait for it to set, and then fill it with the mixture provided. Or, if glow in the dark dildos aren’t good enough for you, you can get kits that make your SO’s genitals into candles, vibrators, and even chocolate. Perfect for a pair that has everything.

Prices start at £29.99 and kits can be bought from https://cloneawilly.com/ or www.lovehoney.co.uk/brands/clone-a-willy/

 

LOVEDROP DATE NIGHT SUBSCRIPTION BOX

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Be one of the first to try out a new subscription box from Love Drop UK. Launched only today (1st Dec ’17), Lovedrop is a subscription box that can be bought monthly, bi-monthly, or quarterly for £44.99 per box. Each box includes a luxury toy (I’ve been informed that the first box includes something from LELO!) and include condom samples, activity cards, date night ideas and more. At the moment, although most toys can be used on both men and women, the activities in the box are mostly designed for heterosexual couples. But for a little surprise and indulgence every month or so, head on over to https://love-drop.com/ to sign up!

 

ADVENT CALENDARS

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So you may be reading this mid-December, but it’s never too late for an advent calendar. With a mixture of toys, bondage gear, and underwear; this calendar from lovehoney will give you and your partner(s) a little surprise or even inspiration every day of December. The best thing about getting one of these now is that when it arrives, you’ll have more then one sexy surprise waiting for you, so what’s the wait? These are currently on offer for £120, that’s £129 OFF the RRP! Bargain! Or, if you want to spend a little less but still have the advent fun, Bondara’s calendar is now just £68.99 (reduced from £138!) Hurry, before they go out of stock!

https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=37611

http://www.bondara.co.uk/bondara-christmas-advent-calendar-2017

 

BONUS POST

If these gifts all seem a little ‘vanilla’ to you, and you really want to make a point to your partner, head on over to MeoTeam, the guys who delivery chastity devices, and some of the biggest dildos and ‘crackstuffers’ you’ve ever seen. Go on, show your partner who’s really boss this holiday season 😉

https://www.meo.de/en

 

 

Stay sexy. 

 

 

Disclaimer: As always products shown and descriptions are my opinion and are not intended to harm the company, manufacturer or individual associated. It’s not my fault if your partner doesn’t like the products, most of these are novelty and should be taken in jest. All images from the corresponding websites (plz don’t sue me).

 

Bonus post: Joseph Batchelor (@JosephBx)

Disclaimer: Before we start and people get their knickers in a twist, this post is a one-off for a laugh it will not become a regular thing. It was requested by Joseph (he even picked out the attached photo) after I made a joke about giving him a good score on TripAdvisor; and will probably be deleted after not too long. As always language alert.
✯✯✯✯½

Info

Name: Joseph Batchelor

Retail: His inflated ego makes him believe he’s priceless

Manufacturer: His mother

Type: male, bit of a dick, strong, good stamina

Properties: internal, external, vibrator (kind of), thruster, multiple uses

First impressions

I expected him to be a decent size, I liked that he can take a joke (and by joke I mean me insulting him every other sentence). I don’t want to admit this, mostly because I’ve made it my life’s mission to avoid complimenting people who have high opinions of themselves at all cost, but he wasn’t actually that bad.

He’s insanely strong and has amazing stamina-like, I have to tap out before he does which is very unusual. He’s up for basically anything and will do whatever you like which is always an awesome trait he can go literally all night, I don’t understand when he ever sleeps. He also likes to be super annoying, eg going to my ‘toy box’ and literally taking them out one by one and throwing them everywhere around my room, akin to a toddler throwing toys out of a pram.

He remembers what you say and what you like/don’t lie as well as remembering little details. He’s literally obsessed with trying to put things up your butt (obvious psycho-sexual issues). He bites, scratches, and doesn’t mind you doing that to him, which is good because I was attempting to keep it down (which really didn’t work, I am LOUD). He’s also perfectly cool with wearing a condom which for me isn’t relevant but it’s good to know that he’s not a silly bitch about safe sex.

He’s not too bad at kissing either which is nice, and he knows how to choke properly/safely which is always a bonus (post coming soon about that). He respects safe words and gestures which is cool and actually communicates. He’s respectful and can do both hard and dominant and super gentle and loving which is nice, especially when he’s been plowing you on and off for a good two/three hours.

Improvements

Aim. Jesus fucking Christ his aim. I mean, okay, granted he didn’t get anything in my eyes, but my hair…let’s not even go into that. STOP TRYING TO PUT THINGS UP MY BUTT.

Final thoughts

Would go again. He knows what he’s doing, and although I always kinda feel like I’ve been hit by a train after (in a good way-if that’s possible) it’s worth it.

 

If for whatever reason you’re interested in finding out more about this Muppet, his social media handle is @JosephBx13000283_1210782088946965_4418284248174730841_n

Climax Rechargeable Power Wand

✯✯✯✯✯

Info

Name: Climax Rechargeable Power Wand

Retail: £60

Shop/Brand: Ann Summers (CLIMAX technology)

Type: wand, vibrator, external, massager

Properties: 11.5inches (tip to end of handle), USB charging, 8 speeds, 20 vibration patterns

First Impressions

Wow. So…

I wasn’t sure about this product, I’ve wanted a wand for a while but only because I thought the hype was probably a little overstated, but even though I hate to admit this, I was wrong.

If you’ve read some of my other posts you’ll know that I never have much luck with any clit stim that isn’t pointed or specifically targeted-this was the main source of my skepticism, but with the insane power this wand provides it doesn’t need to be targeted. I’m not sure how they’ve done it, but this wand is truly magic, it manages to target vibrations without creating such a general tickle of buzz elsewhere. I’m not sure what kind of black magic witchcraft was used to make this, but this is my kind of witch doctor.

Speaking of doctors (long stretch, I know) this is a fantastic massager too. Any aches or pains even deep in your back-this thing will work. I sleep in the strangest positions (and with a 5 foot teddy instead of pillows) so as you can imagine I wake up a lot with aches or pull muscles in my back and stomach the second I sit up. I also (tentatively-and PLEASE know what you’re doing before you do this) used it on my neck. I would never usually advise using any powerful vibrations on your head or neck, because in case you were unaware, those nerves and that big squishy organ of yours are both quite important for you know…living. But in short, mild (if there’s such thing with this wand) bursts on the muscles around that area, it was fantastic for neck pain and tension headaches.

Another use I found for this beauty was helping with cramps. I get the WORST cramps when I’m menstruating, sometimes I can’t move at all (shout out to mild PCOS), and as my vagina has been hating me this month (yes, month) bleeding on and off; I felt almost as if I were cheating death by picking up my wand and magically making those cramps disappear.

This wand made another claim, that I was also skeptical of, that the vibrations are targeted away from the handle. This is an issue with toys with handles, in that it can make the holder’s hand go numb very quickly, which isn’t useful for you or your partner (if you even need one after purchasing this). Surprisingly, it works very well, my hand didn’t go numb once from holding the handle, but did so very quickly when I held the head.

Improvements

The ONLY thing I’ll say is that the plastic on the handle does feel a little cheap, I understand that the head is weighty but even covering the handle with a silicone or faux leather finish would have made it look a little less cheap.

Final thoughts

I understand that £60 is a lot, and you can get cheaper wands on the market, but this is something that I promise you will benefit from having in your collection. Also, once you’ve bought it, you don’t have to spend extra on expensive batteries, which is an issue with a lot of toys and the joy of rechargeable ones!

I would absolutely recommend it to anyone even just as a massager/for cramps if not for sexual pleasure. To the beautiful Ann Summers employee who told me this was a good choice (haven’t asked permission to name her), I concede to your wisdom and apologise for ever being skeptical *bows*.

 

DISCLAIMER as always these reviews are my own personal opinion and are not meant to harm or reflect on any company, manufacturer, or individual mentioned or associated. All images from http://www.annsummers.com

Stay sexy.

ONE condoms and Oasis lube

✯✯✯✯ (4 stars)

Name:

Retail: Mixed Pleasures Condoms (12 pack): £9.99, OASIS lube (100ml): £7.99

Brand: ONE (available on the website http://www.onecondoms.co.uk or at Superdrug)

First Impressions 

I’ll begin this by saying that I am a self-professed condom and lube hater. I have always found condoms physically irritating (despite not having a latex allergy) and I hate the stickiness and residue of some lubes, so I’m surprised that I’m giving a post like this 4 stars.

I based my rating on a number of variables, and was desperately trying to not let my general hatred for these products influence my opinion. Luckily, that wasn’t a problem because I was pleasantly surprised!

The pack of condoms I had were the Mixed Pleasures, I was especially excited about this as it included a GLOW IN THE DARK one, which made my week. Different types included were: Hyperthin, Flavor Waves, Super Studs, Pleasure Dome, Tantric Pleasures, and Glowing Pleasures.

As always the ONE condom brand are fantastic at designing their packets, the solid colour on the back is vibrant and represents the condom inside, and on the front are suggestions of the type, EG. the Glowing ones have a lighthouse with green light on one, and a green electrical style on the other. This already sets it apart from other brands. The packet also invites you to submit your own designs on the website, which I think is a wonderful touch.

So now onto the condoms themselves. The glow in the dark one really does glow, it’s neon green and takes only a small amount of light charging to retain a really bright glow that takes a LONG time to fade. Pretty much all of them achieve what they claim, the Vanish feels super thin and although it doesn’t feel the same as not using on at all, it’s the closest you’re probably going to get. Despite the thin latex I didn’t feel as if it would break easily, which is obviously the ideal for condoms!

The only one I was slightly disappointment by was the Tantric Pleasures, I was really exited for the tribal pattern and wondered how it would feel, but honestly I couldn’t feel it at all. Obviously the idea for condoms is to be thin but I feel as if condoms with a specific pattern should be thick enough on the design for it to be felt, otherwise it just feels like a novelty.

The lube: The one thing that I was looking for in this was any potential residue or stickiness from the lube. One thing I hate after sex is feeling like you have to shower to get the lube off, this is a problem that I’ve even had with water based lubes before, as this one was. However, again, I was pleasantly surprised, There was no stickiness, it worked perfectly with the condoms (which aren’t over lubricated themselves so don’t make a mess when you’re putting them on) and there was no residue. I feel as if this really helped this brand get the 4 star rating, as I was thrilled that I could finally use lube without being preoccupied by the mess it would inevitably leave.

It also has a wonderful smooth texture, and doesn’t feel particularly slimy or gross which some lubes do-I’m not a squeamish person but some are awful. I was incredibly pleased with this lube and it is definitely my new go-to.

Improvements

The only issues I found were the feel of the Tantric Pleasures one (or lack thereof) and as much as I love the packaging, as it’s round there’s a part of me that’s afraid (irrationally so) of tearing into the condom as I open the packet. I’m not sure if the pleasure dome design actually made any difference, I didn’t feel any, but that could be down to me not using condoms enough to compare the specifics.

Final thoughts

Overall, I was thrilled with this brand, the packaging is great on both the condoms and lube, it doesn’t feel cheap despite being cheaper than most other brands on the market (WHY ARE CONDOMS SO EXPENSIVE?!) and I’m just thrilled at the prospect of not having to dread the next time I need to use a condom or lube!

 

 

DISCLAIMER as always the opinions expressed in these reviews are my personal opinion and not intended to harm the company or individuals mentioned or associated. Pictures are my own or from http://www.onecondoms.co.uk

Bunny Banger

✯ (1 star)

Info

Name: Bunny Banger

Retail: £20

Shop/Brand: Ann Summers (Cheap Thrills)

Type: Mini rabbit vibrator/clit stim

Properties: One speed, 3 insertable inches

First Impressions

I really wanted to love this, truly, I did. It could have been an absolute game changer, but unfortunately, it really wasn’t. The box is simple which is in keeping with the ‘cheap thrills’ range, the ‘basics’ of Ann Summers. the toy itself is pretty small, and although it takes two AAA batteries, it’s just not as powerful as it claims.

It has one setting which again is disappointing and instead of having a base that you twist (and therefore would have some level of control over the generous ONE setting, it’s a simple, difficult to switch, plastic on/off button; reminiscent of old MacDonalds Happy Meal toys (before they got really crap).

Not only is this toy lacking in power, but the motor has no effect on the ears, they’re just kind of there. There’s no vibration in them whatsoever, and it feels like this product may have been more successful without them-at least then it would have a slightly better insertable length.

The thing I hated most, however, was the texture. Ann Summers have, in recent years, been moving into the age of soft silicone-which is wonderful, this bunny, however, seems to be stuck back in the dark ages. It’s made out of a very cheap feeling rubbery material, which creates a huge amount of friction (which is the thing you least want on a sex toy). This means that you have no choice but to use it with lots of lube which feels like a waste for a toy with 3 inches (generous) of insertable length. I couldn’t even store the toy back in its box because I couldn’t slide it down against the cardboard- that’s how bad it is. Instead, I had to wrap it in the leaflet it came with just to get it to slide back into the box.

If I were trying to be nice, I’d argue that the rubbery texture makes it flexible, but for a toy this small that’s a completely pointless feature.

Improvements

Go back in time and sack the (most likely, man) who designed this?

But seriously, better texture/material eg soft silicone, more than one setting or double motor so that the ears move too, stronger power, and slightly longer.

Final thoughts

I’m aware that this review has been incredibly scathing, and for that, I make no apologies. For £20 this toy just isn’t worth it. Take that £20 and I don’t know-hire the cheapest male prostitute you can find(?)-I promise it won’t be worse than this. The material is awful and it honestly feels like no thought had gone into it, maybe for £5 or as a free gift with another purchase? I wouldn’t recommend this at all.

 

 

DISCLAIMER: As always the views expressed on this blog are my personal opinions and are not intended to harm the companies, manufacturers, or individuals affiliated with this product. All images are from http://www.annsummers.com

Ann Summers Rose Gold Mini Vibrator

🌟🌟🌟🌟 (4 stars)

Info

Name: Rose Gold Mini Vibrator

Retail: £20

Shop/Brand: Ann Summers/Rocks Off

Type: Vibrator and Clit Stim

Properties: vibrator, waterproof, 10 speed settings

First Impressions 

This little bullet is one of the older ones in my collection. I’ve never paid much attention to it (awww) but for the sake of this blog I got it out. Honestly I was impressed. Like a bullet it has a pointed end but the actual vibrator is located further down the shaft so it’s a more general buzz, usually that would put me off. However, because of the curved shape (and that it doesn’t claim to be a bullet) I’ve found it’s perfect if you lie it against one side of your clit and gently press against it. 

This may take a little more time than usual to ‘get there’s but the payoff is worth it.

The vibrations are strong and the pointed end with the gradually increasing size means that it doesn’t have to be used on a clit. It has 3 constant speed settings and the rest are tease settings. The rose gold colour is beautiful and as usual with Rocks off products the button is simple and easy to press.

Improvements

I can’t really think of many improvements for this. It can be a little sharp but that’s more down to how careful you are than the product itself

Final thoughts

It’s a great little vibe, also perfect if you (or your partner) are a bit of a beginner with toys. It’s a good addition to any collection and remains powerful for sometime. The batteries seem to last well but they aren’t difficult to replace, usually small vibes aren’t worth the £20 price tag but for this one I’d say it’s fair!

As always the opinions expressed in these posts are my own and not intended to harm any individuals, companies, or manufacturers. **images from http://www.annsummers.com

Bunny Bullet

✯✯✯✯

Info

Name: Bunny Bullet

Retail: £20

Shop/Brand: Ann Summers

Type: Bullet clit stim

Properties: Vibrating, Ears

First Impressions

There’s something that feels innately wrong about pushing a tiny animal into your clit, even if it’s bright pink and made of silicone. That said, this little bugger is powerful. It requires three LR1 (small circular) batteries and comes with six, three already in the toy and three ready to replace. I was pleasantly surprised at this, as getting hold of batteries is always something I forget to do.

The toy itself is small and could fit in the palm of your hand. It’s essentially a tiny rounded bullet inside a small silicone rabbit. Once again, I wouldn’t suggest taking the bullet out because it feels rather odd pushing it back up inside the bunny after. The whole thing vibrates but as the ears are a thinner silicone they are a bit more targeted.

I wasn’t sure which way round to use it, to begin with, but as the ears are pretty far apart, I found it worked better when I used the back side of the ears. as they’re angled slightly outwards.

The bullet is a simple click on-click off and has one speed-which is fine. Usually, I’d prefer more speeds but it is fine for a first-time toy user and is incredibly powerful anyway.

Improvements

To improve this product, I would place the ears closer together and make them slightly less thin/flexible, as with too much pressure they can quite easily move from where you’ve positioned them, which can be awkward. I also would prefer it retail at around £10, £20 seems a bit steep for something so small and with only one speed.

Final Thoughts

Overall, this is a great little product for beginners and is quite a novelty, it would certainly be fun to use with a partner would make a cute little gift, too. Personally, I’ll stick with my Rocks Off bullet, but will definitely be keeping this little one in my collection. 

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All images are my own or are from http://www.annsummers.com As always the opinions expressed in this post are my personal opinion and are not intended to harm or offend the brands or manufacturers mentioned.