So, it’s the first of December and I can fight it no more, it’s officially *sigh* Christmas. If you’re like me and haven’t started your Christmas shopping yet, hopefully this list will help you determine what you’re going to get your SO (or maybe even yourself-I firmly believe in treating yourself as much as possible).
I’ll present this list in price order from lowest to highest in case you’re poor like me. Most of these items are somewhat novelty, but who has time for a relationship with no sense of humour anyway? I’ve tried to keep this list as gender neutral as possible to appeal to everyone in a relationship. Happy hunting (all of these can be ordered as of today and have postage options that will allow them to arrive before Christmas). All prices correct as of time of writing.
MY SEXY SHORTS
Get your SO some fantastic novelty underwear from warmpresents on Etsy. You can get these beauties for £35.80, guaranteed to keep that willy warm in these cold winter nights (or days) and a great little secret (or not) for you and your significant other at Christmas parties! Women’s underwear start from just £4.36 too! Bargain!
Ever dreamed of being able to rub a penis all over your lips in public and not be arrested and/or sectioned? Well now you can with lip dicks! The lipstick that looks like a very discoloured dick and made for a perfect pout-or even just a perfect present. Don’t have an SO? These lipsticks are also perfect for that single friend who needs that extra little hint…
Get three of these in random shades for £12 from http://www.bondara.co.uk/lipdicks
Brought to you by Ann Summers, these could serve as a small encouraging nudge to your partner who maybe doesn’t appreciate the subtle (or not to subtle) art of foreplay. Or maybe you just want to spice things up and would rather some plastic do that for you. Whatever your situation or orientation this could be a sexy (or just strange) gift for you and your SO (let’s be real, the best gifts are the ones you benefit from too, amiright?). I’ll admit you could end up with some pretty odd Simpsons-eqsue (anyone get that reference?) combinations, but if not sexy, at least it’ll be a laugh.
£5 from //www.annsummers.com/gifts-games/gifts-games-shop-by-category/gifts-games-novelty/foreplay-dice
BAD VIBES VIBRATOR
Who wants a vibrator that talks to you and complains whist you use it? Probably no one. Yet, here it is in all its glory, brought to you by MenKind (who actually sell this as an adult product). No, there is no way this vibe will actually do anything for you even if it is body-safe and usable, because these are akin to the ones you’ll find at Poundland (yes, they do vibrators now). But if you want to insult your partner or have someone for secret Santa who you genuinely hate, this is the perfect gift…I guess…
Get it here for £7.99 https://www.menkind.co.uk/bad-vibes-vibrator
NICEBALLS TESTICLE STRESS BALLS
Complete with under desk suction cup, niceballs are here to fulfil all your testicle squeezing needs (that you probably didn’t know you had). Partner stressing you out? Save those babymakers for good use later and squeeze these instead! Put them under your desk at work, maybe even in a car (not the driver’s side of course) so your friends and family have something to dramatically grab onto when you go 1mph over the speed limit? The possibilities are endless…
Get them here at https://www.niceballs.es/ for €19.90-29.90 or £17.50-26.50 (approx.)
SHIT BITCH BEAR
If you really want to boost your partner’s self-esteem then this bear is the best way to do it (maybe). Probably my favourite product on this list, this bear will let your beloved know that you find them ‘fine’. With the bear being as blunt as you almost definitely are if you’re considering this gift, your SO will always remember who it came from. As if the message itself wasn’t enough, I’m pretty sure anyone would be thrilled to receive a teddy bear too… that’s 2 romantic gestures for the price of 1 (you’re welcome).
Get this bitchin’ bear from Firebox.com for £24.99 https://www.firebox.com/Sht-Bitch-Bear/p6397
If you’re loyal to this blog you’ll know that I’ve written about these before. Love eggs are a great present for couples with a kinkier edge, not only are toys a great gift for your SO (that once again you’ll most likely benefit from), but they’re also fantastic if you enjoy living life on the edge. With the remote in almost every egg on the market working from a minimum distance of 20m, you could even attend those New Year and Christmas parties with this in, and allow your partner to have control over you for the evening!
You can get these on most toy websites and at any sex shop, but you can also get them online here from £24.99+ https://www.harmonystore.co.uk/sex-toys/love-eggs-jiggle-balls
If you’ve never woken up at night and thought ‘I wish my partner’s penis could glow in the dark’ well you’re probably a functioning human being who thinks rational, un-concerning thoughts. But for those of you who just need something like that in your lives, clone-a-willy have you covered. Simply make a mould of your partners penis (or vagina), wait for it to set, and then fill it with the mixture provided. Or, if glow in the dark dildos aren’t good enough for you, you can get kits that make your SO’s genitals into candles, vibrators, and even chocolate. Perfect for a pair that has everything.
Prices start at £29.99 and kits can be bought from https://cloneawilly.com/ or www.lovehoney.co.uk/brands/clone-a-willy/
LOVEDROP DATE NIGHT SUBSCRIPTION BOX
Be one of the first to try out a new subscription box from Love Drop UK. Launched only today (1st Dec ’17), Lovedrop is a subscription box that can be bought monthly, bi-monthly, or quarterly for £44.99 per box. Each box includes a luxury toy (I’ve been informed that the first box includes something from LELO!) and include condom samples, activity cards, date night ideas and more. At the moment, although most toys can be used on both men and women, the activities in the box are mostly designed for heterosexual couples. But for a little surprise and indulgence every month or so, head on over to https://love-drop.com/ to sign up!
So you may be reading this mid-December, but it’s never too late for an advent calendar. With a mixture of toys, bondage gear, and underwear; this calendar from lovehoney will give you and your partner(s) a little surprise or even inspiration every day of December. The best thing about getting one of these now is that when it arrives, you’ll have more then one sexy surprise waiting for you, so what’s the wait? These are currently on offer for £120, that’s £129 OFF the RRP! Bargain! Or, if you want to spend a little less but still have the advent fun, Bondara’s calendar is now just £68.99 (reduced from £138!) Hurry, before they go out of stock!
If these gifts all seem a little ‘vanilla’ to you, and you really want to make a point to your partner, head on over to MeoTeam, the guys who delivery chastity devices, and some of the biggest dildos and ‘crackstuffers’ you’ve ever seen. Go on, show your partner who’s really boss this holiday season 😉
Disclaimer: As always products shown and descriptions are my opinion and are not intended to harm the company, manufacturer or individual associated. It’s not my fault if your partner doesn’t like the products, most of these are novelty and should be taken in jest. All images from the corresponding websites (plz don’t sue me).